Fruit Cocktail
by TheQueenOfMediocrity
Summary: Naughty, fluffy oneshot. No sex.


Fruit Cocktail

Ed's 18th birthday was approaching, and he'd been dropping hints to Roy all week that he wanted it to be… special. So, he headed to the local drugstore to pick up some essentials. "Essentials" being the sampler pack of flavored condoms he'd noticed the last time he was there. He hurried to that part of the store and grabbed the box as quickly as he found it. He hurried to the checkout stand to pay for it, where he slammed the pack down authoritatively, ignoring the disapproving glare of the checkout lady 1). Since there were 12 in the box and he was fairly certain 12 would be enough, he was satisfied buying just one packet of condoms. So he paid for them, and carried them out of the store. Soon enough, though, his curiosity got the better of him, and he decided to take a peek at just which flavors they decided to include in the box. Rifling through it, he randomly pulled out a banana-flavored, lubricated condom.

"Banana flavored…. I wonder if it's really yellow?" 2)

The idea of a banana condom was just oh, so amusing to Ed, and he couldn't get the thought out of his brain. So, when he got to his place of residence, he opened it. When he did, he saw that it really _was_ yellow. He and Roy couldn't use it now, and since there was no sense in just throwing it away, he unrolled it, put it to his lips, and blew. He blew it into a giant, yellow, banana-flavored, lubricated balloon. In fact, it was better than a balloon- it was easier to blow up, easier to tie, and it sure as hell tasted better than any other balloon (or lubricant) he had tasted before.

_And there's 11 more! Yippee! _

Roy came home to a living room that was scattered with ribbons of broken, lubed latex, and little rings of rubber. In the bathroom, there were puddles of water, and yet more ribbons of broken latex 3).

_What the hell was Ed _doing_ all day?_

"Oh, hello, My Secret Agent Lover Man! How is everything?" Ed greeted him brightly.

"What, exactly, were you doing here by yourself all day? Do I _want_ to know?" He said, gesturing to the multitude of destroyed prophylactic devices scattered around the residence.

"Well, that's actually a pretty funny story, uh, _Colonel_. Uh, you know tomorrow's my 18th birthday, right?"

"_Yes_…"

"Well, I went to the store and I bought some, well, _condoms_ especially for my… well, my birthday present. But I opened it before I got home, and I found a banana flavored one! So I got to wondering- is it yellow? Did they really make it taste like bananas? Well, I opened it, and it WAS yellow, and it only _sort of_ tasted like bananas, but it really was a lot better than any lube _I've_ tasted. Well, I couldn't just toss it after that, so I made it a balloon. Then I saw I had 11 left, and, well, I went sort of crazy with the rest of them, mostly making HUGE water balloons, and seeing how far they could go, and that's why there are broken condoms all over the place. Oh, and did you know a condom can stretch over your entire forearm?" Ed blathered. 4)

"Oh, wow. Sounds like you had a… _busy_ day." Said Roy, looking sort of frightened.

"Yeah, kinda…. You know, I've still got one left." Stated Ed mischievously.

"Have you?" Stated Roy, eyebrow raised.

"Do you think we could celebrate a little early?'

"I suppose we could always pick up some more banana flavored condoms at the drugstore tomorrow…"

And all the frivolous thoughts of how far up his arm a condom could stretch, and how much better that fakey banana taste is than normal lube disappeared from Ed's mind, fully replaced by Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, but most importantly, just plain Roy Mustang, Ed Elric's Secret Agent Lover Man. 5)

1) Since Sabrina and I were just going to play with the condoms, we got them at the dollar store. She walked straight to the personal care section, grabbed two boxes of a dozen condoms each, walked straight to checkout, and slammed them on the conveyor belt. The checkout lady saw them, looked away in angry disgust, and scanned them without a word. As soon as we got out of there, we were laughing very loudly.

2) This one was me. Since I wasn't able to give them to her on her birthday, but she wanted me to see what kind she got, I opened the box, and I saw one was a banana flavored one, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "Is it really yellow?". And yes, it was really yellow, and yes, it tasted better than the other non-flavored lubricated condoms, and I only know that because we blew them up as balloons!

3) And this one was both of us. We played with our two dozen condoms for HOURS! By the time we were done, there were ribbons of broken latex from blowing up the condom-balloons too big, and there were rings from the base of the condoms, which had broken from the rest of it, lying around as well.

4) Yes, condoms can indeed stretch over your entire forearm, from your knuckles almost all the way up to your elbow! And yes, we did indeed stretch several condoms over our forearms up near our elbows! And yes, the fakey banana condom taste does in fact taste better than most banana flavored things. How very ironic...

5) The Secret Agent Lover Man thing might be a bit out of character, but I'd just finished reading _Weetzie Bat_ when I wrote this, and I felt like including that in something.


End file.
